9-11-2009 Jon leaves for Afghanistan.

I was thinking about where I was one year ago today.

It was one of those nights that I couldn’t completely wrap my mind around.
Talking to my son the night he was leaving for a warzone.
How surreal.
How do I reconcile that the baby I once held, fed, protected, was now protecting me.

How incredible to contemplate.

Oh how much I have learned through the 7 months of deployment and thereafter.
Prayer works- It’s more than just the answered prayers that make prayer work. It’s the discipline of learning how to really pray. Its hearing God’s voice in the middle of your prayer. Shutting up long enough to hear it.
Its understanding that even if something terrible happens I am held in his hands. It’s knowing that prayers that are not answered to your specifications mean that GODS SPECIFICATIONS ARE BETTER!!!
I learned that God is God no matter what. Daniel 3:17-18 Even in the furnace God can deliver. But if he does not. I will still serve him.
This scripture took me to a place in my spiritual life that has changed me forever. I have always believed it but now I got to actually experience it.

I learned that this deployment was as much for my growth in the Lord as it was for Jon.
I learned to lean on my husband and not others, something that sometimes gets forgotten in 20 years of being together. He was a rock everyday. Days that I thought I couldn’t breathe another breath because fear gripped me, he breathed for me. There were days when the media would attack my mind and my thoughts and sometimes Kevin couldn’t be there,so he called my best friend Laura and she, without hesitation, came to me and prayed peace over me.

Thoughts of that time will always live in my mind. But fear was erased and replaced, with trust.
Trust that I am held in the cleft of the rock. I am safely snug under his mighty wing which is stronger than I will ever understand.

I see where he walked beside me and I see where he carried me. I felt him there everyday. I know my God loves me and I know he loves Jon. I see him walking beside Jon and I see when he’s carrying him.
Oh Gracious God you are not just something I believe in. You are not just in my heart. You are my breath, my heartbeat, my every footstep, my beautiful Savior, you are my life.
What a great year this has been, to have been held in the very palm of my Gods hand. I believe I will stay right there.

Today I sat and thought about where I was one year ago.

Weeks can go by and you hardly notice.
Then the minute someone who can't stay is with you, the time seems to go in fast forward.

It hardly seems possible to be saying good-bye again.
I die a little inside with each good-bye.
So proud, so worried, so happy so discouraged, how can so many emotions be in one place at one time.
I woke up and made cookies and sandwiches for him to take on his road trip back to California in his new Mini Coupe!

My heart is proud that he is grown and working and making a way for himself in this world.
And I worry that he won't make good decisions. I worry that he won't want to serve God. I worry that his heart is not where it should be.
But, then I realize, It's his journey. Its all the bumps in the road that make his way differnent than mine.
I can't walk the journey with him all I can do is wave and pray.
But I want to be the person who goes down the highway and fills in the cracks. you know with that toilet paper stuff? Thats what I want to do for him. Fill in the cracks.
But he doesn't even see the cracks are there!
So I wave and I pray.
God has called him for such a time as this. Let him keep his way pure, Let your face shine upon him. Let your uncommon favor rest on my son.
Phillipians 1:6 FOr I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to comletion until the day of Christ Jesus.

So I wave, and pray.

Happiness and joy overwhelm my soul as I prepared for Jon's first return home since last July and his 7 month deployment to Afghanistan.

I cleaned his room, dusted every nook and cranny, washed the sheets and returned them to his bed. Where very soon he would be resting. There is a very good chance that while he is sleeping I will be standing at the door of his room peeking to see him safe and sound in his bed. It may sound creepy but if your a mom you know you would do it too!!

This day is to be special. Our friends and family are going to be here waiting when we come home, to welcome Jon home!
Cookies are plated water jugs are full. WELCOME HOME JON sign is ready. Neighbors are anxiously waiting.

Proudly Donning our Black,gold and red Marine T shirts with flags and welcome home sign in hand we make our way to the Minneapolis Airport.
Upon our arrival we realize we are at the wrong Airport!!! We need to be at Terminal 2 not Terminal 1. So Laughing we run to the car pay our 3 dollars robbery charge for our 5 minute stay at MSP international! Quickly make our way to the other terminal.
Waiting at the door upstairs with all of our gear on we must have been quite a site for others to observe. Waiting for the sliding door to open and reveal to us our Marine Son. There he is, I see him walking, I can hardly contain myself but I have to because I need a good picture of his sisters jumping on him yelling, "WELCOME HOME JON!!!!!"
It was an amazing thing to hold that man in my arms and look at his face. My son is home.
Turning onto our street was an absolutely amazing sight.
The street was lined with yellow ribbons on every tree. 10 motorcycles lined the street as the Freedom Riders came from our local Legion, to welcome home a fellow soldier!
I see friends and neighbors lining our street clapping and screaming and shouting welcome home!!!!! There must have been 75 people! It was Quite a sight to behold.
Donny is playing The Marine Corp. hymn on his electric guitar as Jon is now hugging friends and family.
We will most certainly be celebrating this homecoming all week!!!!

Tonight as I sit with friends at a house on a lake in Minnesota I cannot help but think that Jon would love to be here. There is one lone ice fisher out on the lake and you can actually see his light inside of his house.
Jon wherever you are tonight as I write this i miss you so much it hurts.
I cannot wait to see your smile again in person. I cannot wait to see you curled up on the couch on your stomach face first in the pillow, with your legs tucked up underneath you.
This deployment has gone so fast!! I can't believe it's almost over.
When you come home and I get to cut that yellow ribbon off of the tree out front, will be the happiest day of my life.
You are my pride and joy and I am so proud of you.

Tonight I am thinking about all that Jon told me about his recent trip to Kandahar.
Sounds like it was quite the little vacation. He said that they had a Burger King on base as well as a TGIFriday's. He actually got to eat a burger!!! He was saying how strange it was to see people together as couples and to see people with cell phones.
He said they got to wash their uniforms and actually smelled like detergent. Its been a while since they smelled anything good so when a woman with perfume would go by it caught his attention!!
They also got to play street Hockey. He happened to be there the weekend that Canada and USA played in the Olympics. They televised it but not in America, only Canada!! I watched and watched but never saw Jon. We were hoping!!!
He really had a good time in Kandahar. Who Knew?

Not to much longer and I will be able to see that boy again. I just want to wrap my arms around him and hug him as long as he will let me!!!

Lord today I pray for peace and strength and endurance for Jon. Help him to finish strong. Give him all needs and more! Remind him today of how faithful you have been to him throughout his life and throughout this deployment.
Remind him that his little break to Kandahar was designed by you for him! Keep him shielded and warm and protected.
Let him know how much I love him.
Make your face to shine upon him.

No matter where I am or what I am doing, as soon as my phone rings the weird number I have come to know as Jon's number,I answer. I cling to every word he says. Some days he is up and other days he is as down as down can be.
Today was a great day. He was so happy and upbeat. Gave me his throaty little laugh that I miss so much it hurts. He talked to me for 15 minutes.
Its always the best 15 minutes of my day!
I hang up the phone and floods of tears come to my eyes. Why is today different? Most days i can hang up and pray and no tears. But not today. My heart is heavy and I miss him like crazy. The uncertainty of when we will see him again weighs heavy on my heart. And so in my bathroom, I kneel to the ground and cry.
Even now as I attempt to write this my heart hurts. Tears fill my eyes so much I can hardly see the keys to type.
I miss him. I miss his face, I miss his messes, I miss his hugs, I miss the way he lays stomach first on the couch with his legs tucked up underneath him. When he was little we called that snuggy bug. I'm sure as a Marine he would want me to leave that part out. But I can't. I miss him.
Oh dear Lord you have had your hand of protection on him his whole life. you have led him to this strange land and you have protected him.
Keep him in your will and fill his mind with dreams. Give him direction and guide and protect him, all the days of his life. May he trust you with his everything.
Thank you Lord My son, My Marine, My Hero.

I haven't really cried in a while. Then all of the sudden this flood of emotion comes over me.
It will be a year since I have seen my son, by the time I get to see him again.

It floods me with emotion. I can't believe that much time can escape and I'm helpless to stop it.
My heart aches.
It kind of reminds me of when you lose a loved one. That feeling of the world carrying on without you.
People pass me in the grocery store but they don't even know what I feel. Then I want to just shout it over the loud speaker, MY SON IS IN AFGHANISTAN!!!!! Not for anyone to feel sorry for me or even to stop and say anything to me. I just want us all to remember that, the distracted lady in the syrup isle thats in your way, may have a kid in Afghanistan or may have just lost her mother to Breast cancer, Or any number of situations.

Lets not always jump to the conclusion that the crazy lady at the club that always has her cell phone with her, is just addicted to phone calls. Perhaps she is waiting for her son to call her from over seas. Maybe her husband that is on a mission in Iraq has not called for 2 months.
Maybe shes not crazy. Maybe shes waiting.
Waiting for the call that makes her day!
Waiting for the smile she has longed to see for a year.

So instead of judging the person in the car in front of you, or the lady at the club, or the one in the syrup isle that annoying you cuz she doesn't seem to be able to make a decision, pray for her.

It might be you thats distracted soon enough.