My struggle is real.

I think someday someone out there needs read this and realize they are not alone in this world.
And that is why I want to write this. Not for anyone to feel sorry for me or worse, to judge me.
I also just really need to get this off my chest.

What am I talking about?
I struggle periodically with anxiety/panic attacks.
I know, I'm a Christian why can't I just trust in the Lord with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. I wish it were that easy.
First, I would like to answer that by saying this: please don't judge me here. It is equally hard to admit this as it is to struggle with anxiety, But I feel compelled to share my story. We are all in process and this is mine. This is my vulnerability I am speaking about, if it's not yours, you should feel blessed! If you plan to use this against me to tease or taunt me with my own fear, please stop reading this now. But please continue if you would be willing instead to pray.  We all have things we fear and this is my very real struggle.

This is my most recent attack.

Every year my husband and I take off for a warm destination to break up our long winters. This year we decided that taking a cruise would take us to two of the destinations that have been on our list. Aruba, which we have been to before and LOVE, and to Grand Turk, which I have wanted to see since my early motherhood days when I would workout at home with Denise Austin's, destination workouts on tv!
Our cruise would consist of 4 stops total the 2 other stops, being the Dominican Republic and the other being Curaçao.
This 8 day cruise would be a blast as we also had good friends aboard the same cruise.
But, I have to get though the flight to Florida first, and so begins my struggle.

-Sidebar-
I have flown my whole life as I was raised as an airline brat since my dad worked for the airline his entire life. I have flown my entire life both as a child as well as an adult.
I have also been on two other cruises, shorter, but nevertheless I was not a rookie. So this really shouldn't have been a problem.

Having said that, every time I step on a plane I basically pray for no problems and no turbulence the entire flight. (I know it's ridiculous but it's my fear and it's real)
Our flights were both flawless and we landed safely in Miami. So excited to see the big ship in port.
I am a little out of the norm (not surprising) in that I am a weather geek. I like to check the weather for the destinations. I noticed right away that the week was going to be a windy one. Like 25-30mph wind. Which translates to waves when you are in the ocean.
I set the thought aside as I just wanted to enjoy my trip. It was sunny and warm and we were with friends.
We set sail and all was well. We had some wavey days due to wind. One day was so bad that we were not able to dock in Grand Turk. I was hugely disappointed. This meant another full day at sea. (I think this was the trigger that started the anxiety) meaning 4 of 8 days were sea days. Not all bad since it was sunny and 82 every day. But rather disappointing to not be able to get off the ship for a while and see a new place.
Our next stop was the Dominican Republic then Curacao then Aruba.

We had a few wavey days again and one that landed me in bed most of the day with vertigo. But after that I was fine. A little on the restless side being trapped on a ship and unable to get off but enjoyed the ride in the sunshine as well as the 3 stops, VERY MUCH!
I think I must have had a little more anxiety on the ship than I was willing to admit. Because once we reached port in Miami I was ready to get off.
But already thinking ahead to my flight home the following day and how much I didn't want to get on that plane.

We spent the day with family that lives in Miami and had a great day.
That night it was beginning to set in, fear turning me into the ice queen and I fell silent! (If you know me this is rare) Warning sign number 1.
Warning sign number 2 - I didn't want to eat dinner.
Silent the whole night. We fell asleep and I tossed and turned all night thinking of ways to tell my husband I just couldn't fly home. What was I going to do, walk? Take the bus? Rent a car and drive? I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him how scared I was. How much anxiety was building.

So here I am the morning we are supposed to fly home and I am literally paralyzed with fear. My precious husband came to the side of the bed and gently said, "Jen its time to get up and get ready to go home"
This is where I lost it. I completely fell apart. I started crying hysterically and almost passed out twice. I could hear my husband saying he was going to call 911 so I came to again and was still crying hysterically.
I could not get a hold of myself long enough to get my sentences out. All I could do was say, "I am so scared, I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't do this. My Chest hurts. "
Over and over again saying these lines and hyperventilating. I felt like I was having a heart attack.

Then I heard my husband say, " we don't have to fly home. We can drive, I will rent a car and we will drive home Jen."
He literally could do nothing to calm me down. I think I freaked him out pretty good too.
But as soon as he said that I took a breath for the first time.
He held me close and said, "I have already called Enterprise they will be here in an hour and a half. Get dressed, we will go get our coffee at Starbucks and  we will drive it will be fun, an adventure"

I took a deep breath and exhaled slow.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Is he serious or is he just kidding me to get me up and going"

He was serious. He rented a car.
I cried all through my shower and getting dressed. I felt like an idiot for having such an attack, but it seemed literally out of my control. I could do nothing on my own to stop myself from the hysterics.
But as soon as he said those words, we will just drive. It was like the hot knife that was stabbing me in my chest was gone.

We went down to the lobby and there was a Starbucks. I got my iced coffee and we walked outside. Soon a driver was there to pick us up and bring us around the corner to the car rental place.

He really did rent a car and we really did drive from Miami to Minneapolis.

I felt so much guilt, shame and fear of what people would think of me. Fear of what if this happens again.
I apologized profusely to my poor husband. But all he would say was, "stop apologizing, it will be a fun drive. We are just extending our vacation a little bit"
I watched the weather radar explode with storms in the south. We were literally heading right into it. Then I watched it as it literally split all around us. We were either in front of it or just behind it, either way we missed it all. God's hand of protection was certainly on us as we drove.
I felt peace that even in the midst of my storm God was there. Literally clearing my way.

I pray this never happens to you but if it does I hope you are married to someone that will drive you 2,000 miles because they love you that much! My husband is truly amazing.

I know I will live with the guilt of that moment forever. I know that I will fly again. I know that God has my back no matter what.
But I also know anxiety is real. It is unpredictable and it is unbelieveably embarrasing and uncontrollable.
Again, I write this to be perfectly honest with who I am. Flaws and all.
I will fly again. I hate it but I will do it.
But the real reason I wrote this is because I know I am not the only person that this has ever happened to. In many other situations, not just flying.
I want to know I am not alone. I want you to know, you are not alone if you struggle with this also.
Anxiety/Panic attacks are most often tied to fear. They are very real, and very difficult for the person who suffers with this problem. (and those who have to drive them 2,000 miles) :)

I believe with all my heart that God will heal me. I know He will.
My precious daughter Kelsey sent me a scripture the day this happened, and it was: 1 Peter 5:6-8 Humble yourself therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you!

I am clinging to every word of this verse. That He will lift me up in due time.
Being a christian doesn't mean you won't struggle. It just means you have someone to help you through those struggles. Someone to lean on when you are weak.

I hope in some way for someone out there in the blogosphere, that this helps you not only realize you are not alone in having these struggles but you are not alone period! God can and will heal you from these panic attacks.
I am praying for you as I work through this struggle in my own life. I believe God will heal me and I know he can do the same for you.
If this is not your struggle please seek to understand or just pray,  rather than judge.

This is my struggle, and it is real.

My heart is heavy today and when heaviness sets in on me it usually turns to words on a blog.

Just to lighten it up a little, I can hear the priest from Princess Bride, "Mawwiage, Mawwiage is what

Bwings us togevah today"

Put on the grown up undies cuz it's about to get REAL!

Someone asked me a long time ago, what makes your marriage work so well?

I had no idea what to tell her.

But I think I do now. Commitment and WORK!!! It ain't the Glam answer that people want but it's

the truth!

I never really understood how old people could say they loved their spouse more now than when they

first got married. But now I get it. I totally understand. I guess that makes me old!

Long after the butterflies in your stomach migrate south. There has to be more.

There is this amazing thing about commitment, it makes a marriage safe, trust filled, uninhibited,

and thus, long lasting.

The love I feel is deeper today than it was when we first got married because life has happened.

Developing deeper and more intimate love than we could have ever hoped for as love struck

teenagers a long long time ago. You see, as you go through the mountain tops and the valley's of life,

and your partner is walking with you, You develop trust. Trust that they will be there in the good

times and bad, for rich or for poor, in sickness and health,

Because they have! Its not just something cute you say in a marriage ceremony to make it legal.

IT'S REAL!

You actually have to live it out. And when you do, you come out on the other side of it, a better and

stronger couple because you have created another link in a chain that cannot be easily broken!

Every fun, difficult, wonderful and awful thing that you go through with your spouse and hang in

there for, creates a link.

A link to love that isn't a feeling and isn't a ball and chain but a perfectly designed beautiful chain

just for you! That links your two hearts together. Sounds corny doesn't it? Yep, but I know way to

many people that look at the bad times as an escape route, and the times when life is easy and going

along great, finances are in order and the kids are moving out and the house is perfect. People forget

how they got there. Thus, cutting the links. This is when it's also easy to lose your commitment.

I can honestly say that it has not been easy. We have had times where we look across the table from

each other and wonder what we did.  But our resolve is greater that our trials so we never are allowed

stay there!!

People think marriage isn't work. But I am here to tell you it is a full-time mandatory overtime on

weekends kind of work. Not to be taken lightly but to be taken seriously.

This is real life: You will get mad, you will get frustrated, you will not always get your way, you will

not always have what you want.

But your commitment to your marriage is worth giving up your way, anger, frustration, and wants.

Laugh at crazy things that happen, date often, and for heavens sake just  BE NICE (something so

simple but often forgotten in marriage)

COMMITMENT IS HARD WORK!

But the reward is a marriage filled with love, trust, intimacy, and a life of joy. But its all your choice

men and women, it's all your choice.

Choose well.

My dear new friend

I have not Blogged in quite a while however I have been quite active on Facebook. However, this post required a little more thought and time than a Facebook post so here I am.

I met a man about 2 years ago during my Operation Christmas Child work season. I would pass though the Starbucks in Eagan to get my coffee before heading to the warehouse. From the smell of Coffee to Cardboard!! YUM!

One day an older gentleman approached me while I was in the long line for coffee, apparently I am not the only one that doesn't brew at home, and on this day as it turned out God had a reason for that long line.
As the man who approached me would become my dear friend Bill.

He noticed my Operation Christmas Child T-shirt and asked me what it was all about. So a half hour later he knew pretty much more than he ever wanted to. I had passed my passion for OCC on to this poor old man.
Well, he loved it, and every day I would come to get my coffee he was there waiting to see me wanting to hear more stories.

After the season ended I didn't get up to the Eagan Starbucks anymore. A year went by and I never saw Bill.

Then one day I was leaving for Bible study early on a Tuesday morning and stopped by for a coffee. There he was. My 83 year old friend.
I said hi and remembered who I was immediately. We have been having coffee every Tuesday (sometimes Wednesday) morning now for almost a year!

We talk about everything from food to health and we laugh like school kids. He is 37 years older than me but we are amazing friends.
He is a wise well traveled man and never utters a negative tone! He is exactly like my husband just 36 years older!
I am not kidding! These two are so much alike I feel like I am speaking to the Kevin of the future!!

Last week he told me about his families tradition that dates back to the late 1800's. They all gather together in October to make their own Apple Butter.
His grandfather started it and the tradition has continued all these years!
Needless to say I was captivated! It was Pinterest before Pinterest was cool!
The family gathers together at his son's house and they have a copper kettle and an oak paddle to stir. They all help peel and cut the apples as well as stirring the 200 pounds of apples until they are cooked down. Nearly 10 hours! Each person takes their time to stir.
It is a timeless tradition in his family.
Captivated by this tradition doesn't begin to describe how I was feeling when he told me this! I love it! i wanted to run out and buy a copper kettle!! (where does one get a copper kettle)

So this morning I met him for our coffee date and he said he had a surprise for me. He pulls out a jar of his homemade Apple Butter!
I was elated! I couldn't thank him enough.

He is the most wonderful man I have ever known, aside from my dad and my sweetheart Kevin.
But what a gift God has given me in my 83 year old friend Bill.

The Power Of Love!

My little buddy Cole is going to be 1 year old and I can hardly believe it. Our first grandson!
I have been there with him growing every step of the way and I wouldn't trade a thing.

So far my husband is Papa and I am Nana. I like it! A LOT!

Sometimes I just sit back and watch my husband play with Cole and I think, my life can't get any better! It makes me think how great God really is.

Because of how different this story could have been.

I do not share my story with very many people for many reasons. Not the least of which is I do not want to make what we did and went through look like a good path for young people to take. But today I need to tell it. To show God's great love for us.

When Kevin and I had been dating for quite a while  we got engaged. Soon after that we entered a path we were not supposed to be on. We soon found out that I was pregnant.
I was angry! Mostly with myself for compromising my beliefs I had held on to so deeply. But, I decided to take it out on Kevin.
 I was going through a lot emotionally and for 9 months I did not want to have anything to do with Kevin. We did not see each other and he was not at the birth of our first child. (this was my choice not his!)
He came to see him a couple times but I was still very angry so there was really no hope for reconciliation.
Around our son Jon's first birthday Kevin asked if he could come visit and take Jon out for a little bit. I was hesitant but I think my mom thumped me on the head and said LET HIM DO THIS!!!
So Kevin, who had not had much contact with Jon at all, comes into my living room and Jon looks up

at him and immediately says, "DADA"
My heart was broken. It was like God just melted all of that anger away.
3 months later we were married!

FAST FORWARD a few years to today:
I sit back and watch Kevin play with Cole our very first Grandson, Jon's son, and I see how God has restored the years that Anger took.
I am so grateful and thankful my heart can almost not contain it all sometimes. The way Cole's eyes light up when Papa comes home is precious. I can't imagine anything better than being Coles Nana and Papa. We have been able to do this first year of Cole's life, TOGETHER.
Redemption is a real thing. I see it in the eyes of my little Cole.
The power of God's great love for us is just amazing.

Perspective is everything!!

This morning I woke to a text message from my daughter who is in Haiti. First she says,"hi mom love you!" 

Then proceeds to send me a picture

 I respond with, "wow thats a big one! "

She responds with this picture:

Along with "bahahahahaha mom its tiny!! The smallest one I have ever seen! "

Made me get all reflective and think how true this picture really is in life. 

Sometimes we think things are so much bigger than they really are. But when placed in the masters hand it seems so small! 

Just a little reminder for us all today! 

I found Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something I have never really struggled with until recently.
I never intended for unforgiveness to be something I struggled with but here I was finding myself in a place that  I could not get past.

It was not because of some huge injustice that was done to me either. It was just a simple problem that I made to big of a deal about.
I just could not move past the problem.
Then this summer I was reading 2 Corinthians 2 and this verse just  beat me over the head!
2:10 It says, now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ.

WOW.
God forgives us and when we forgive he also forgives them!!!
Why was I holding this unforgiveness?
Why?
It hurt so much and yet my pride wanted to hang on to the unforgiveness because it was easier than letting it go.

 I noticed it was not easy to give forgiveness because I had involved other people, in my unforgiveness.

I believe the simple truth is,  the biggest reason that people can't and won't forgive is because they let things go on in their mind far too long. They relive the offense over and over and then in telling others about the offense,  it solidifies their reasoning for not forgiving.
Forgiveness is not optional. God doesn't let you live with unforgiveness because he knows you are justified in your unforgiveness. THAT IS A LIE!

Gathering other in on your offense is not forgiving. Gathering others to help seek restitution is what we are supposed to do if we are to gather people at all.

The more people are involved in your unforgiveness the less likely you will be able to forgive.

So I had to ask the people that I involved in my unforgiveness to forgive me for involving them. It was not their burden to carry to begin with. It was sin for me to involve them.

Having asked for their forgiveness, made it easier for me to let it go!

What an amazing feeling to really let something go.
He removed it far from me and I don't want it back.

I finally found forgiveness. I received it and gave it. I am healed!
We truly serve and amazing God.

Thankfulness - Day 3

Today I am thankful for men and women that sacrifice so much for my freedom. Something I can never repay. I am thankful today that my precious friends son who just graduated from boot camp is now home for some very deserved R & R!

We are all so very thankful for you Blake. 

CONGRATULATIONS!! 

Thankfulness - Day 2

I am thankful for a God who loves us so much that through natures beauty He is impossible to deny! 

Thankful November - Day 1

I don't normally give in to the trends of today but I felt there was nothing wrong with making a Thankful list for the month of November.
I keep thinking I could list everything I am thankful for in one blog post but instead I will post daily what I am thankful for as well as a photo. The difficulty level of this project is: HIGH
But I have purposed to do this, and so I shall. Not because I am not thankful but blogging everyday is daunting to me. But I want these things documented, so here we go:


Starting with the one thing I am most thankful for beyond anything else in this world,  my family. Of course you knew I was going to say that but it's because I have so much to be thankful for when it comes to my family.
My son Jon who is courageous and funny.
My daughter  Katie who is tenacious and unwavering in her faith.
My daughter Kelsey who is thoughtful and tender hearted.
My daughter in law Alex who is smart and a really great mom to my grandson!
My grandson, Cole who is precious and brilliant!!
My husband Kevin, who is loving and the most amazing person in the world!

You all have taught me so much. God has put each of you in my life to make me the person he wants me to be and I am Thankful for you all!

A Little Stay at Home Mom Encouragement!

There are those moments in life that make you question everything.

Why am I here?

What have I ever done that is worth anything?

What will I do now?

What am I really worth?

I believe that no one can make you feel worthless unless you allow them to!  But there are times that a little cutting word can make you question everything.

I have been a stay at home mom for 22 years. I have raised 3 kids to be responsible grown ups, caring and loving individuals with independent spirits. That is a great accomplishment, isn't it? 

Then the show stopper comes. Watching a popular T.V. show last week where one of the mothers was a lawyer and has suddenly chosen to stay at home. But in the little time that she has been home she feels, WORTHLESS. Her home isn't satisfying her. Why? Because her worth is in her Paycheck. 

Sitting in a Starbucks with my little pink Mac Book Pro last week in my carpi's and a sweatshirt. This very attractive young lady with long brown locks perfectly curled, A tan pencil skirt and nude high heels with a black blouse, absolute perfectly coordinated outfit, walks in. She is at the top of her game! Professional, beautiful, slim and ready to take on the world.

For a moment I felt that feeling of worthlessness creep in, saying;

When was the last time you looked like that?

What important client did you meet with recently?

And then the kicker, (and this one takes my breath away): These are the kinds of women your husband sees everyday! 

I read today in the Huffington Post that moms that stay at home are more likely to be angry and depressed than mothers that work outside the home. It went on to say that formal employment or at least the income associated with it has emotional benefits for mothers which in turn benefits the kids.

Holy smokes, one discouragement after another!  I could really let this get me down if I wanted to. Especially since I have not been gainfully employed in 22 years.

Especially since I have no kids to parent anymore and no "real job" at least not one that pulls in a paycheck.

My worth, thank the Lord, is not tied into these things or these emotions.

 Does it get me down from time to time? Yes, of course there is nothing the enemy loves more than to defeat you with your own family.

Causing you to question and then resent anything and everything you do, with and for them.Making you feel worthless.

It is his best ammunition. If he can defeat you with your own family he wins big time! He gets you and your family!!!! 

Be the gatekeeper of your home and DO NOT ALLOW THESE THOUGHTS TO HUNT YOU DOWN!

You are raising the next generation of great leaders, business men and women, doctors, lawyers, artists, nanny's, Mom's and Dad's!!

If you are raising them in a defeated attitude then neither you or the ones you're raising up will ever recognize their worth or where that worth comes from! A most high God who loves them and has called them! 

Be encouraged today to stick with it! It's a high call that you have been given! Don't let anyone, and I mean anyone, minimize your life as a stay at home mom! 

Psalm 18:32 It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect!!!! 

SEE YOU WIN! 

9-11 Now and Forever

On 9-11 I am always reminiscent of the events of that fateful day. We as a country saw things we

thought we would never see in our lifetime. We all recall where we were when we saw the events that took place. I was delivering gym shoes to my Jr. high school son when I saw the T.V.'s in the office. Never imagining that son would travel to Afghanistan to fight in the war that would follow those events.
FAST FORWARD 12 years to 9-11, 2013

 I cannot help but think of the night Jon left for Afghanistan. It was 4 years ago tonight that we waited for our son's phone call to say good-bye to us before he left.
The call came. We were standing in the middle of our living room where so many family events and memories had taken place.
This was one I will never forget.
This was probably the most difficult night of my life. We talked for about 10 minutes and we all could feel the conversation coming to an end. We had Jon on speaker phone and I looked across the kitchen island at Kevin, my hands trembling, lips quivering and the conversation was over. I said to Kevin, "I can't push end. I can't breath!"
Hyperventilating, I walked to the sliding glass door and pretended to let the dog out. I walked out on to the deck.
The night was warm and the sky was perfectly clear. I looked to the west sky and hoped in some way that my heart felt love would be enveloped in the stars and somehow Jon would see them and feel it too. I sat on the steps of our deck and sobbed. I cried from somewhere so deep inside me, it hurt me physically. I literally could not breath. Kevin tried to snap me out of the fear that was entangling me. But it had a hold on me. I couldn't stop crying. The,what if's and the unknown's were consuming my spirit.
Kevin took me by the shoulders and said, "stop it Jenni your son is a Marine. he is ready for this and God has him in the palm of his hand."
I knew it was true and felt comforted for a moment but the waves of emotion kept coming like a flood. Then in my mind I remembered that I dedicated Jon to Lord when he was a baby. I needed to do it again. He was never mine to begin with. God gave him to me and entrusted him to me for a short time. To develop a man that would fight for the freedoms of this great country.
I did my job, its time for Jon to do his.
Peace swept over me. I felt like I was sitting in the cleft of the Rock. Protected. Peaceful. Powerless. It was then that I began to see, this deployment was meant for ME to grow.
I saw a warrior on the inside of my closed eyes. I know that He equips the called and Jon was indeed, called.
Peace. Floods of Peace came over me.
I wish I could say that I rested in that Peace for the duration of the 7 month deployment, but I did not. My faith was shaken many times by news stories or a discouraging phone call from Jon. 
But, I can say that God's faithfulness never changed. He had plans to for Jon. Plans to give him hope and a future and not to harm him!! 
Here we are on the eve of 9-11-2013 and my family is safe in their beds. 
As I wrap up this writing I am reminded not only of the events of 9-11 and the sacrifices of many for this country. But I am reminded and will never forget, God's goodness and faithfulness to me and my family! I do not deserve his hand of favor but I believe it is on this family and I will not be like those before me who forgot God's hand on them and lost their way. (Israelites)  I see his hand in everything we do. I am so grateful for a God who sees me as valuable even in my worst state and takes me under his wing for rest.  So I will always remember what he has done for me and the sacrifice he gave for me. 

So while I thank my son and those who fight for our freedom here on earth and realize I can never repay them for all they have done.
I thank also, my God who is my rock and my salvation. Who gives me freedom from all things everyday and I realize I can never repay Him. 
The great thing is neither one requires it. 
So I will serve both with gratitude and gratefulness and give my life in honor of theirs. 
But thank my God in whom I trust for eternal life and eternal freedom! 

Whirl Wind

Monday June 3rd 2013 Is a day that will live with me forever. 

A day that brought us the greatest joy since our kids were born.

Our incredible son and daughter-in-law gave us our very first Grandson!
 I am flooded with love and connection with this tiny little boy.
Cole Hunter came into this world at or around 7:20 pm  weighing a mere 6 pounds 7 ounces.

To see my son and the way he looked at his son with all the hopes and dreams wrapped up in this little bundle of boy, was truly and incredible sight.






Still very surreal to be called Grandma and Grandpa but I wouldn't trade it for anything! This is the best of both worlds.
Hold them
Snuggle them
Love them
Have a blast with them
Read To them

SPOIL THEM
Then send them home
All the fun without the responsibility.





But, Grandpa and I do feel a great responsibility to Cole, to be Godly examples. To teach him why we love Jesus so he will one day love him too.

3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth!

Cole Hunter I make you these promises.

I will always love you!

I will always hug you, (even when you think you're to cool to hug your G-ma when you're a teenager!)

Every moment with you is priceless and I will always treasure our time together.

I will do my level headed best to show you how cool Jesus is so you will love him like I do one day!

There's just one more thing, I promise the cookie jar will always be full! 

I can't promise you that I will have baked them always, but the jar will be full! (as soon as you have teeth!!)

 We love you Cole Hunter Bettelli we are so blessed that God gave you to us.

You are truly a gift that we will always treasure!  

The Last Bird

All of the sudden it hit me.

All of my kids are adults and out of school.

My responsibilities have diminished significantly.

I began thinking what this means and came up with a “short” list that goes something like this:

I will never shop for school supplies again. (for my kids)

I will never run to the bus stop because we’re running late.

I will never tie another shoe and look like a genius to my kids.

I will never have a late night run to the grocery store for Lunchable's and pudding packs for the field trip.

I will never sign another permission slip.

I will never hear, “ Mom, can you wash this so I can wear it tomorrow?” (At 10:30 pm!)

I will never have to run gym shoes to the school so they won’t get detention.

I will never have to go to conferences EVER again!

I will never make another brown bag lunch with a little love note in it.

I will never plan another school party.

I will never have to run to the 24 hour Walgreen's at 11 pm because someone needs Tag Board for a school project.

I will never write another check for school pictures. (oh wait!!!)

I will never watch another one of my kids in a school play.

I will never again help build Rome in a night!!! ( 5^Th Grade Rome project)

I will never get another call from the school nurse!

I will never have to call the school nurse to tell her they won’t be there.

I will never have to sit in the carpool line!

I will never have the smell of water logged cleats in my car!

I will never feel guilty for throwing away a peanut Butter sculpture that is unidentifiable but I love it because you made it!!!!

It may seem silly to think of these things as my last child graduated high school in June.

But I really feel like I just lost my job.

I feel a little purposeless.

I have no idea what I am going to do when I grow up!

As friends were questioning my daughter as to what her plans for the fall were, at her graduation party.  I was thinking to myself, what are my plans?

What do I want to do?

Where is my future headed?

Sound a little selfish? Not at all, I have worked at home for 23 years.

My pension is watching my kids flourish.

Seeing them grow beyond who they thought they could be.

What greater reward is there?

So, as I embark on my new season of life. I have to ask myself, What do I want to do? What is most important to me? What am I passionate about?

Then there is a silence. There is nothing I can even think of that I would want to do? I have lived my life for my family and they are my career.

Many thoughts of what I would like to do come to mind but what God wants of me is greater and sometimes harder to hear. So I will wait.

But as I watch my last little bird fly. My throat has a little lump in it. It's getting harder to swallow and tears are filling my eyes. 

I could pat myself on the back because this has not been an easy endeavor but through prayer, love and trust in the Lord, I am done with this season. Never to return.

But, new things will come and I wait with anxious anticipation. 

Congratulations to my sweet Kelsey. I love you with all my heart, to the moon and back! INFINITY! 

Photo A Day In May - Day 30

There is something very surreal sitting in a preschool graduation watching all the parents react as their graduate walks in the room. 

Their sweet little caps and gowns and beaming faces. So proud of their accomplishments and rather enjoying the attention of the cameras and phones taking pictures and video. 

As I watched the darling little teachers run the program  for their adorable preschoolers my mind came back to reality. Oh my goodness that teacher is my baby girl! 

She should be donning the blue cap and gown and toothless grin and yet somehow she is standing in front of the class leading them as their teacher!

Katie I am so proud of you. As I watch you work with these kids your hard work, hard days and unbelievable creativity and compassion as well as your undeniable dedication to each child, is simply amazing! 

You are a gift to these kids and their parents and you are a gift to our family!

you are an awesome young woman and a GREAT TEACHER KATIE!!! 

Just a sample of Katie's creativity here with Swiss cake rolls that look like diplomas! 

What a yummy idea! 

PHOTO A DAY IN MAY - Day 29

We went to get ice cream and ended up going to SUPER AMERICA for Coke ICEE'S and as I am looking at this picture I realize we have one rogue Mtn. Dew Icee!! 

I love my family and the simple fun we have together. 

There will be many more Coke/Mtn. Dew Icee runs this summer and I love it!!! 

                                    

PHOTO A DAY IN MAY - Day 28!!

At this point on day 28 I am glad we are nearing the end of photo a day in May this year. I'm sure you are too.
I really thought, first of all that Spring has so much to offer I shouldn't be at a loss for pictures, and then the fact that my Grand baby was due last Saturday, gave me reason to fully anticipate many photo opportunities!!

However, things are not working out that way this year. No baby and no sunshine to be able to be out and about this spring has put a damper on my Photo a Day In May!

Today's photo is more of a commercial than anything else. (I am grasping at straws here people)

 Even though there has been more rain this spring than we got all last summer, my allergies have been very intense.
I had decided last summer that I would only take something like Allegra if I absolutely couldn't stand it.
Well this year has been tough.
Most of the time I wake up coughing like an emphysema patient.

One day I mentioned that my allergies were kicking my butt this year, to my chiropractor and she said I should try these herbs!
I was like, really? Herbs? Allegra barely touches it when I take it what in the world will a bunch of random herbs be able to do? Needless to say I was skeptical, but I bought them anyway.

I am here to tell you that within 24 hours I was about 80% better!! I couldn't believe it.
I was so skeptical that I honestly thought I had just flushed $28 dollars down the toilet!
I am here to tell you that I have been suffering with the constant inability to clear my throat for nearly 4 years due to allergies.
Nothing touched it until these!


You have to chew them up a bit before you swallow them and because they have cayenne pepper in them they are a bit peppery. But they are worth it! Chew them with your front teeth so it doesn't get stuck in your deep back teeth. And for heaven's sakes don't plug your nose to try an eliminate the taste like I did.
I tried it and nearly maced myself to death due to the Cayenne! It was hilarious!
You will not regret buying these! They are not a cure all for allergy sufferer's but they got rid of most of mine and I no longer have the clearing throat problem!!!

Totally worth every penny!!! TRY IT!!!!!!!

PHOTO A DAY IN MAY - Day 27 Memorial Day

Some Gave All 

My heart aches for the moms who's sons never came home. 

Mine did and I am grateful everyday.

 I will never forget this day in these pictures! Our Family and 75 of our friends, came to our street to welcome home our son!! 

Every day he was gone, a little piece of my heart broke. 

The fears I had to overcome from this time were unlike any I will ever experience again. 

Some mom's are not as lucky as me. 

They cry themselves to sleep each night just as I did but their tears never stop.

Their heart never stops aching. 

I don't know the sting of that pain, thank God, but I hold each of them as well as their son's deep in my heart. 

From the Revolution to Afghanistan so many lives have been given to secure our freedom.

Thank you hardly seems enough. 

When I see a man in uniform I pay for his meal, coffee or whatever he may be purchasing. It's my way of saying, Thank you, to all service members here and gone. 

My patriotic heart will never forget what you have given for me. 

John 15:13 Greater Love has no man than this: to  lay down his life for a friend. 

Thank you dear ones who gave the ultimate sacrifice.

You will NEVER be forgotten. 

PHOTO A DAY IN MAY - DAY 26

Sometimes life throws you curve balls. We definitely caught this one in the gut!

About 9 months ago our middle child started getting really sick just about every time she ate.

We started logging what she ate and began making connections to the foods that were making her sick.

At first we thought it was Gluten. So we removed everything gluten from her diet. We gave it a month and there was no change. So we went back to logging her diet. 

We quickly discovered that every morning soon after she had her coffee she would get sick!

So we figured out that it had to be dairy. 

The pain staking process to change not only her diet but her mind set, began. 

The mind is much more difficult to change!

It seemed She began to focus more on what she couldn't have than what she could.

Ice cream and cheese are among her favorite things and most of the ice cream we have tried is just, OK. As far as cheese alternatives its hit or miss. Some taste like straight yuk and others are pretty good.

It will still be a challenge to find tasty things for our girl to eat but we are finding that changing the focus was the most important thing of all.

We are so thankful it wasn't something more serious. 

The search will continue for good foods to keep her nutrition level high.

We are so thankful for Earth Balance (her new butter)

and for Lactaid chocolate milk! I have never seen a girl smile so much in my life as when she found a chocolate milk that tasted good!! 

I mean come on every girl needs a good Chocolate!!! 

Much more to come on this subject. 

PHOTO A DAY IN MAY - Day 25

Today is the day our first grandson is due. 

No phone call, no labor, no pains.

But it's a full moon tonight so here's hoping!!!! 

So off to project 1,000,000,002 for the Graduation party!

For our second child's graduation party we painted the garage floor and it looked stunning.

Until winter came and the salt and sand peeled it all up in tiny little chips of paint began trickling into my house. 

Sometimes things seem like a good idea until they go bad. Then you're just stuck vacuuming up the mess.

So with the next graduation party quickly approaching and leftover residue on the garage floor from old cars that we no longer have, dripping oil and other fluids onto the floor, we decided that we would Epoxy the floor this year. So my husband moved everything from one side of the garage to the other, vacuumed and prepped the floor for painting and then he went to town! I LOVE IT! 

As of right now It looks awesome! 

One of the best feelings in the world for me is a clean garage! I don't know why but this clean look just makes me smile.

I always admire people who keep clean garages and now mine looks good again too!!! 

I know by December I will be wishing we hadn't done it but right now it looks and feels amazing and I can't wait to have a party!!

For the last grad party that we had,  we rented a moving truck for $20 and put everything from the garage into the truck and parked it a block away so we had the entire garage decorated and open!

                                    We will be doing that again this party season!! 

Its what you do when you have a little Cracker Jack house.

Even though we rented a 20x40 tent  for the backyard with side and back panels, it is still nice to have the nice clean garage with no grease stains and a fresh coat of paint on the walls!
Good job honey!!! LOOKS GREAT!!!

 Now all we need is that cool Refrigerator I have had my eye on for a few years!!!!

 IT WOULD LOOK SPECTACULAR!!!!
(wink, wink)